The Twerking Undead
Hi America. There is a scourge in our nation today and that is sex. And gore. And children who might potentially be exposed to gore. And sex. and Violence. And bikinis. And those infernal zombies! They must be stopped! They must be eradicated from our puritanical nation and our children’s eyes scrubbed with caustic acid to remove all traces of heathen filth!
Wait, wait. Where are you going? Hollywood? Haha, no, no, there’s nothing wrong with Hollywood’s gratuitous nudity and glorification of violence. I’m talking about the bikini-slasher-horror-films written and produced by two Connecticut school administrators on their private time under fake names!
You see, my good friend Matthew Kaufman, long-time storied investigative journalist at the nation’s oldest flagging newspaper ran a tremendous expose the other week, doxxing a middle school principal and a guidance counselor as the shameful, sinful, pedophiles behind Moongoyle entertainment, which produces:
fairly typical bikini-and-blood slasher flick[s], featuring gratuitous nudity, sexually charged dialogue and a lead actress who “bares all as a kinky serial killer who loves to give her victims a satisfying but often morbid peep show.”
America, this cannot stand. I am outraged by the fact that these men – and remember, they are men, the worst kind of species God has made – are making pornographic movies with some nudity maybe I don’t know I haven’t watched it, but definitely some zombie devil nonsense and then they are going into our schools to touch our children(‘s hands and minds).
I am offended by this and if there is anything I know about the First Commandment it is that whatever offends me is illegal and must be stopped! This is America – the land of ME!
These creeps have no First Commandment rights because they are making movies with naked women in them while also teaching children! What can they be teaching our children?
Thank God they are now placed on paid leave. I cannot agree more with this letter to the editor in the Hartford Courant. This man had the prescience to write this letter three days before the story broke! Now there’s an American!
While they are on leave, the Obama government should investigate what else they do: do they drink? Do they have the sex? Someone should check their palms! Can you imagine, America, if they masturbate and their hairy palms come into contact with our children? The horror! These infidels should not be allowed in our schools! This is Catholic nation and any teachers who do not abide by catholic ideals should be fired immediately! This is how our country has given birth to the gays and pedos and blacks. But not lesbos, they’re fine with me.
Tolerance is the wrong message to send our children. We cannot make them weak and learn to accept other people’s viewpoints. We have to raise them to eradicate all filth that we disagree with. That is the only way that America will go back to its former glory. Remember Benjamin Franklin, the greatest man who ever lived, who said that “I do not agree with what you say and I will fight you to the death to prevent you from saying it!”
So go, America, to this terrorist sympathizer page and tell these horror loving, bikini ogling creeps that they aren’t welcome here. What is this, Japan?